By Herm Smith

Let me introduce you to your St. Parrotville aldermen. Network specialists call them “functional equivalents” since they vote as a block without dissension. To the network specialist, this means if I introduce you to one Parrot, you gain no new information from meeting the other Parrots. So we refer to any of them simply as Parrot.

But I digress. I recently enjoyed coffee with two of our Parrots. The Parrots called this an exercise in “open” and democratic government. You know: the chance for the Sheep to express their concerns, never mind that coffee time was inconvenient to the vast majority of concerned Sheep. In St. Parrotville, it is the thought that counts, not the action or true intent.

Senior Parrot informed me that St. Parrotville has no control over the price of private real estate, land, or rent, while Acolyte Parrot nodded in silent agreement. The more I have thought about this remarkable statement, the more I understand how true it is. Let me explain.

Our present economic story starts about three or four Parrot generations ago – a Parrot generation in St. Parrotville is three years on average. However, they have the skills to reincarnate for another three years, before retiring with the perks of Sainthood. So every six years the existing AlderParrots propagate a new generation to replace the retiring Parrots. Family sociologists call this common process of passing on family culture “orderly replacement”. About 3.5 generations ago Pope Parrot XVIII created a new St. Parrotville Master Plan in His Image and said: “Yes! It is pleasant!”

To insure that St. Parrotville remained pleasant in His image, the Pope hired two St. Parrotville gatekeepers — City Manager Cockatoo and Housing Cockatoo — to protect this new St. Parrotville Heaven from any Sheep who might question whether the Parrots were treating the Sheep fairly.

Next, the Parrot Clan passed a new set of Universal Housing Code ordinances for, of, and by Parrots of St. Parrotville. Now, just to cover their backside feathers, the Clan decided that it was best not to enforce these Ordinances. Pope Parrot XXIII decreed that Ordinances were just “guidelines”. In this way, the Parrots could parrot as they pleased, making Parrotville very pleasant, indeed, for the Company of Parrots, if not the Flock of Sheep.

Housing Cockatoo was then given discreet orders to allow packs of slumming Wolves who came sniffing around the Sheep’s neighborhoods to quietly purchase Sheep properties. She assured the slumming Wolves that she was just parroting by treating housing codes as guidelines to be broken or ignored as she pleased.

When the Sheep went to their AlderParrots to complain, they were told that Housing Cockatoo certainly was an outstanding employee simply following City guidelines, so what’s the problem? Why aren’t you Sheep parroting pleasantly like the rest of us?

The next step was for packs of Developer Wolves to come sniffing around for good deals on properties. Better yet, to buy adjoining properties for zoning merger, because they could make much more profit if they could build a McRoost on two properties.

When the Sheep complained that this was in flagrant violation of City Ordinances and the Master Plan, the Parrots would drone their catechism: “No. Ordinances are simply guidelines, not enforceable laws. ”

Once the AlderParrots pass a variation to an Ordinance on behalf of a Developer Wolf, this is what happens. The Developer Wolf makes two slumming Wolves very happy by paying twice what the $500,000 building is actually worth on the market – as originally zoned. Developer Wolf now asks Housing Cockatoo to request authority to ignore Ordinances for setbacks, impervious coverage, building height, etc. Once granted, Developer Wolf now builds a McRoost for another cool million.

But isn’t Developer Wolf out $3 million, the Sheep ask? No, little sillies, the original building was worth about $140 per square foot before the sale. It takes Developer Wolf nine months to build his McRoost. He sells the new units in his McRoost for about $350 per square foot, or about 2.5 times the price of remaining historic buildings next door. His cool profit for nine months of building? $1.5 million.

So now you know why Senior and Acolyte Parrot are absolutely correct. No AlderParrot individually “causes” a rise of 2.5 times in the price of housing in St. Parrotville. It took at least a village of 3.5 Parrot generations to help them.